Communication

This is something I was completely unprepared for when I became a mother. You'd think, after growing up and going to college and having friends, and being married, that communication was something pretty basic to living life as a human. What I've noticed is that people really do want to communicate. Everybody. Little children, babies, perhaps especially these little people.

I have read a bit about elimination communication. I am not going to report on that here and now, you can do your own searches if you're interested. I believe in it.

What I want to share is that kids have a temperament, they have wants and needs from the start, which I believe I ought to respect.

Naturally, I am the more experienced and hopefully more responsible person among me and my two young children, so I have to make my best estimates and choices regarding us as a whole. I have noticed, though, that my kids have their own ideas, and I believe that respecting these ideas is vital to their happiness and growth.

There is simply more to life than eating and eliminating and sleeping. Yes, there is playing and interacting and discovering, and even Esther, at four months, wants to play. Tonight we had some "unexplained" fussiness, and when Daniel started playing with her, she was content. I am so happy that Christina is there, they really feed off of each other and enjoy playing around. Sometimes I am concerned that the little one will get injured from the loving jostling and bumping her sister inflicts on her, but usually my fear is met with big smiles and giggles from the baby.

Some months ago I read the book "Ditt kompetenta barn" which means "Your competent child" by the Danish family therapist Jesper Juul. What I primarily got from the book was how important it is that we continue to communicate honestly (meaning, this is the basic way to communicate that all young children know how to do, but we often forget it as we grow up). I want... I like... etc. It is so common that we tell kids "You can't do that!" "You're not allowed to do that!" when perhaps a more honest message would be "I don't want you to do that!" "I don't like it when you do that!"

The first messages discount the agency the child has to decide whether to be obedient or not. One of the most important things pertaining to our happiness is simply the possibility of doing wrong, but choosing not to. This lesson is one I cherish. I could do so many bad things, but I don't want to. I don't believe my kids want to do bad things or make me angry, not really. It appears that way sometimes, but I have a feeling that it is only because of an immature ability to express the real needs they have.

Because of the link between choosing what we do and our measure of happiness, I believe that helping my children recognize when they are making choices, and helping them continue to make choices is one of the really important parts of parenting. At the same time, it appears that learning to communicate all those things I have been taking for granted has helped me grow.