I want to take the chance to write about this before it slips my memory. I start where it began, when our daughter was born, about 20 months ago. It actually began earlier than that, it was when we visited with a midwife during the prenatal care. I asked about where the baby should sleep, I had heard different opinions on what was "best" for each family. The midwife said her daughter had what they called the "family bed" and seriously discouraged that, since the kids stay there forever!
I took that at face value and we were careful to put our daughter to sleep in her own space. I nursed her until she was almost asleep, then Daniel, who is the gentler of the two of us, carefully moved her to her bed. We did this for maybe four months or so.
To the equation adds that I am the heavier sleeper of the two of us. So when Christina woke up at night, Daniel would wake up first from her crying, and after considerable time screaming, I would finally wake up, unless he first got my attention... So we decided we would move her mattress into our bedroom, and she slept on her mattress next to ours. Nighttime was a lot easier, especially since her once 10-11 hour stretches of sleep during night around 2 months, had become more like 5-8 hour stretches, most often 6 hours. I know there is such great variance with this, it varies even with her from night to night. Sometimes she sleeps solid 8 hours, other times it seems we can only lay down for a few, maybe 3 hours, in one stretch, and then she continues to wake every hour... those are a little hard.
We moved when she was 7 months old, and because temperature was hard to regulate in her room, we kept her with us in our - now much bigger - bed. She soon learned how to properly dismount a bed without hitting the head first (after taking several not so fun blows...)
We traveled a lot when she was 11 months old, for about a month. We tried maybe once to put her in a separate bed, and it lasted less than one night.
We got her a kids bed which is easy to get on and off in our new place, and still tried to get her to sleep there occasionally, (read, that was our goal, usually). However, occasionally thinned out to become "almost never" since she was so much happier in our bed, and almost without exception woke up screaming soon after being laid in her bed.
We started to feel like it was an honor to have her in our bed. I started to treasure the moments when I got to wake up and nurse her. What a change it was! I remember when I was a very new mother, reading somebody else's account about treasuring the nighttime moments. I think I might just start to understand what she meant. Because I now see an end to it all. She has put up with me putting her to sleep in her bed a couple times without fight or screaming. She is the one that says "I'm tired, I want to go to bed" (she signs "bed" by leaning her head to her palm to the side, very sweet), and will nurse to sleep in my arms, but rather in bed, or in her own bed.
Being kicked in the head, or almost kicked out of bed, or snuggled right next to you, finding round sweat spots in the bed where she lay, are sweet memories that won't last forever. What the midwife told me simply isn't true. Kids don't stay in their parents' bed forever. They stay there as long as they are welcome and feel the need for closeness, that's my conviction.
It makes for more family time, even though we are sleeping, and creates more togetherness. She still wakes up screaming every now and then, but not because her parents are nowhere to be found (because her gums hurt, she's wet, or something else). I can observe her when she sleeps more often. Whoever has watched a loved child sleep knows how sweet that feeling is, I think. I can anticipate her waking up, because she takes a while to get into her consciousness. I can watch her stretch her muscles and mouth while she gets into the new day.
*I know there are certain things that make it not a good idea to let small children or babies sleep with you, but we have carefully avoided those (drinking alcohol or taking other strong drugs, being overweight, having an exceedingly soft bedding or a water bed).
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3 comments:
It's so interesting to see what works for different kids. We never could have had Gareth in our bed. We can't even have him in the same room - we tried for the first 2 weeks of his life and it was awful. I think it's best for people (i.e. doctors, nurses, midwives) to qualify what they tell you with the fact that all children are different and what they're telling you is simply one observed behavior - you've got to do what works best for your child and family!
We did "family bed" with Emma for a few months and it helped so much. I think she was about 8 months old, though, when she started sleeping through the night and/or needing just one feeding, so we moved her to her own "bed" in Jonathan's room. I hope to do the same thing with this next one, that worked so well for us. :)
I remember being banned from my parents bed. Not a nice memory. At the same time I got a little brother. I was less than two years old. My mother did not nurse me for very long, but I did love sleeping with my mommy and daddy. Consequently I let my little ones sleep with me until they chose their own beds. Nighttime was so much easier on the mom. I nursed them all for several years. When they were big enough to eat regular food night time was the best time to nurse because it was more private.
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