Experts

When my first daughter was a small baby I heard from everywhere that you can start giving babies solid food from four months age. But the paediatrician said we could wait until six months. The dietician was concerned when Christina at six months was almost uninterested in food still. At seven months, she liked picking up grains of rice from the low table and eating them.

I have since read the recommendation to exclusively breastfeed for six months. So I thought, this time I will be good and wait until Esther is six months to give her solid food. I kept saying when the subject came up, "The first thing she will eat is what she grabs out of my hand that I am eating and puts in her own mouth." And yes, it happened, about a week ago, she grabbed my bread with margarine on it and put it in her mouth. She kept getting angry when I was eating without giving her a taste of it. So I changed my mind. I decided it was time to consider giving her some food too (even though she isn't quite five months yet).

There are so many things that experts say about what to give as first foods for your child. In the USA, people say "definitely rice cereal". In Sweden, people say "mashed potatoes." There is so much caution to exercise on one or the other aspect of solid foods. However, I have also read about some families relaxing about the whole enterprise, giving the child a little of whatever the family is eating. Today I had to relent. Esther was simply demanding she try some of my pasta and sauce. But it is spicy! I defended my former position. She can't have that! But she would not accept anything except letting her have a taste. So I gave her a grain of my sauce and she was content.

My conclusion is that the only expert I need is Esther for knowing what she needs. She has a strong will already, a temperament that will not let me ignore her needs. I seriously doubt that any other expert can tell me what is best for her.

Communication

This is something I was completely unprepared for when I became a mother. You'd think, after growing up and going to college and having friends, and being married, that communication was something pretty basic to living life as a human. What I've noticed is that people really do want to communicate. Everybody. Little children, babies, perhaps especially these little people.

I have read a bit about elimination communication. I am not going to report on that here and now, you can do your own searches if you're interested. I believe in it.

What I want to share is that kids have a temperament, they have wants and needs from the start, which I believe I ought to respect.

Naturally, I am the more experienced and hopefully more responsible person among me and my two young children, so I have to make my best estimates and choices regarding us as a whole. I have noticed, though, that my kids have their own ideas, and I believe that respecting these ideas is vital to their happiness and growth.

There is simply more to life than eating and eliminating and sleeping. Yes, there is playing and interacting and discovering, and even Esther, at four months, wants to play. Tonight we had some "unexplained" fussiness, and when Daniel started playing with her, she was content. I am so happy that Christina is there, they really feed off of each other and enjoy playing around. Sometimes I am concerned that the little one will get injured from the loving jostling and bumping her sister inflicts on her, but usually my fear is met with big smiles and giggles from the baby.

Some months ago I read the book "Ditt kompetenta barn" which means "Your competent child" by the Danish family therapist Jesper Juul. What I primarily got from the book was how important it is that we continue to communicate honestly (meaning, this is the basic way to communicate that all young children know how to do, but we often forget it as we grow up). I want... I like... etc. It is so common that we tell kids "You can't do that!" "You're not allowed to do that!" when perhaps a more honest message would be "I don't want you to do that!" "I don't like it when you do that!"

The first messages discount the agency the child has to decide whether to be obedient or not. One of the most important things pertaining to our happiness is simply the possibility of doing wrong, but choosing not to. This lesson is one I cherish. I could do so many bad things, but I don't want to. I don't believe my kids want to do bad things or make me angry, not really. It appears that way sometimes, but I have a feeling that it is only because of an immature ability to express the real needs they have.

Because of the link between choosing what we do and our measure of happiness, I believe that helping my children recognize when they are making choices, and helping them continue to make choices is one of the really important parts of parenting. At the same time, it appears that learning to communicate all those things I have been taking for granted has helped me grow.

No Pacifier?

We have now had little Esther a little over 3 months, and I am just surprised at the questions I get. Does she take a pacifier? people ask me, again and again.

I will give the extended answer here. - No. I don't think she needs it, and if she wants to suck, let her nurse. I prefer that.

I have been reflecting on why I feel so passionately about breastfeeding. Because I do. When I have time alone, I sit and read blogs about it, I think about what I can do to support it in my community, and what my community needs, etc.

Let me make this clear though - if a woman doesn't want to breastfeed, let that be her deal. If she wants to though, and she doesn't have the support to do it, I want to be there and help if I can.

For many women, breastfeeding is empowering. "I can give my baby everything she needs", that's my power as the mother. Still, many experience trouble and various difficulties with nursing - well, having a baby comes with a bit of trouble, it would seem, and a lot has to do with feeding him or her.

With a little bit of knowledge - one of them this simple bit: yes, there are usually some difficulties, BUT you can get through them. Perhaps my most useful advice that I received prior to my first daughter's birth was: "Count on it taking up to 6 weeks to get into nursing." After those 6 weeks, well, actually we got into it sooner the first time, but the second time, I realized that I wasn't going to give up just because we had some troubles.

I had read that pacifiers are used *statistically* to space out breastfeeding moments. Well, I simply wasn't interested in doing that. I also decided never to time when she nursed last so I could keep track of how often or how long she nursed. Instead, I decided to watch her behavior, to see that she was alert and content. This choice has been one of the most stress-relieving ones I have made as a parent. I appreciate the counsel from a friend: Do what is easiest. Do what makes your life the easiest. Not keeping track of when or how long my baby nurses makes my life a lot easier. It has made me more alert to her actual bodylanguage, I am trying to understand what it is that she wants, and I think I am getting better at it day by day.

One of my mantras as a parent this time is: I would rather my child tells me to put her down than ask me to pick her up. In other words: I will hold her until she doesn't want me to hold her. I don't want to leave her hungering for closeness when I am the one she wants it from.

Adventures in the shop

I took Christina out for an extended Christmas shopping trip today. I think her patience with me was running a bit low after we had visited two stores and we had gotten and eaten a meatball sandwich together, and I was struggling to find gifts for a couple of people for way too long at the third store. She was playing with some baskets that were exhibited, and put her feet in them. I said, "don't put your shoes in them", so she accordingly took off her shoes and then put her feet in them. After that, I continued looking at some bedding, and a few minutes later I looked back at her, and to my surprise, she had not only taken off her socks, but also her pants. I went up to her and said, "You have to wear your pants, that's just the way it is." I continued to try to coax her into putting them back on, but my attempts were answered with angry looks on her face as she pushed me away. I heard laughter from people seeing my predicament, well, I admit, it was pretty funny, but I was tired of trying to convince her to do something she didn't want to do.

I thought, I'll call Daniel, see if he can tell her on the phone that she has to wear her pants. Well, while we were talking, Christina took off her shirt as well, now down to her diaper, running around in the store, barefoot and everything. Daniel advised me to force her to get dressed, which I did, changing her on the floor, holding down shoulders and resisting her violent screaming and getting her clothes back on. After that, I set her in her stroller and we actually managed to find a present at the same store, albeit on the other floor, and also pay a visit to the mall, before we went to the grocery store and got bananas to eat on the way home on the bus, among other things. Wow, what an adventure for a mom and a child.

When we come across these seemingly violent signs of contrariness, I try to remember that these things are exactly what this age is about - trying to see where the limits are, and calling on responsible adults to lay it out for them. It is not that she hates me or tries to control me, she is asking me to show her where the limit is. Of course, she is becoming more able verbally, and tells me "äta mat" when she is hungry, which is very helpful... I think it is a transition time from being completely dependent on parents for everything to being a fully able citizen, watching out for her own needs and wants, understanding the rules of our society. These thoughts help me not to feel guilty for forcing her to wear clothes.

The kitchen helper

So, today I wanted to clean the kitchen. Recently Christina has mastered (or so I thought) the art of putting away all the silverware (excepting the sharp knives), so I gave her the task of putting away the clean silverware while I started on the dirty dishes. Well she did quite well at first, putting away all of the odd utensils that go in our catch-all drawer for utensils, and then she put away all of her silverware that goes in the plastic silverware drawer under the regular silverware drawer. The regular silverware drawer has a child-lock on it to prevent children from playing with the silverware, yes it does. Well I opened it so she could access it since I wanted to give her the chance to fulfill the task. I didn't think much of it, and a few minutes later I noticed she had not put the silverware in the drawer where it goes, but in a spare wastebasket that she likes to put all sorts of things in! I told her, "Christina, the silverware doesn't go in the wastebasket, it goes in the drawer. Please put them there." Then I continued washing dishes. A few minutes later I looked at her again, and this time, there was more silverware in the wastebasket, and, yes, the drawer was empty. At first I scolded her, but then, when realizing she wasn't going to cooperate this time, I took the silverware holder out of the drawer and washed it, thanking her for her insight that the holder needed to be washed, and of course I couldn't wash it when it was full of silverware!
*This inspired me to continue the cleaning, wiping the cupboards around the handles, and later today I scrubbed the rust off my cast iron pot (it took about half an hour of intense scrubbing, no kidding! my advice: don't let your cast iron pot rust; season it, and then season it again. it's not supposed to rust then, ever).

"can you go cry in the bathroom?"

Recently I had one of those experiences that caused me to introspect a bit on my role as a father, and realized some ways I can do a little better. This morning I was still in bed and tired. My daughter was upset about something and was in the hallway being quite expressive about her feelings. I was a bit grumpy and called out to her. I didn't yell, but I spoke loud enough so she would hear me in the hallway; "Christina, can you go cry in the bathroom?". To my suprise, I heard the receding sound of my daughters crying as she obediently went into the bathroom, shut the door, and continued to cry. After a few moments, my wife said "go to her". I was feeling the same way. I went to the bathroom, opened the door, and picked up my sad daughter. I asked her if she wanted to go read some stories, to which she happily agreed. Soon thereafter her and I were quite happy reading a book together.
Thinking about this over the day, I realized that without intending to, I had been giving my daughter the message: "when you're unhappy, I don't want to know about it" What a sad thing! As she continues to grow, experiencing life, I want her to know she can always come to me, to share her happiness or her sadness. I want to always be there for her. If I want this kind of relationship with her, I need to build that trust; I need to be there for her now. This whole fatherhood experience is really inviting me to be a better person then I am.

boycotting daddy's kisses

Lately Christina has been boycotting kisses from her papa. Not all the time, mind you, but at particular times. The most notable is when I'm about to leave for work in the morning. I have my 'about to go out the door' ritual: pack the lunch, put my jacket on, etc. Right before I go out, I tell Christina I'd like to give her a hug and kiss, and she'd come running...well, not anymore, now when she recognizes the ritual, she decidedly avoids participating, often runs into another room, and gets a little aloof, and if I ask again, she get's this look on her face, like 'I already said no!'. Ok, I respect that. I just smile at her and say goodbye and out I go. When I come home in the evening she's always very happy to see me and wants as much attention as she can get, so we warm right up to eachother..I'll pick her up and basically interact with her as much as I can, because I can tell she's craving 'daddy interaction'...so I realized that her behavior before I leave is probably because she's not getting enough interaction with me...she doesn't like it when I leave for work, so it's her way of letting me know she doesn't support or endorse me leaving, so she's not going to go along with it. Honestly, I don't feel like I have enough time with my family either. The traditional work model that I'm following where I'm giving my best energy and time to my work, seems a little backwards to me. So I'm with Christina, I don't like being away from home so much either. I'm grateful for my job, and glad I'm earning money to support us, but long term, I'm hoping to find something I can do on my own terms, so I can be with my family more. We'll see! Something that I can't achieve overnight, but worth working towards!